A burden to carry and a switch to make
by Mizu Ryujin
Summary: Hachiman had always carried two things alongside him. His cursed burden and his hidden personality, an event causes our heroines to realize just how much pain and suffering Hachiman gets every time he goes to school to put his cynical façade that is as solid as metal and as deep as a void of the dark abyss. Uncovering also, Yukino's wavering heart.


**Burden**

**A/N: This idea came out of nowhere! I was just My Teen Romantic Comedy SNAFU or Oregairu for short, and I was just analyzing the main character's actual personality and I had just came up with a One-shot about my analysis. Hope you enjoy!**

_/Have you ever noticed/_

/_that whenever you_ _try to hold back your tears_/

/_It flows even harder when you burst_/

Every single day I have to keep up my appearances you know – (acting) apathetical to everyone, despised by everyone, isolated away from so-called "society", frowned up, mocked by girls who think they are more "deserving" than me, hurt by hateful and or mocking words though has never shown it. The truth the matter is: I am completely being torn apart to a deep void of despair from this eternally bound by the chains and weight of burden I carry by so-called society, my barrier that I had made by _myself_ is being cracked from both the inside and outside – walls that I've built to protect myself from people. But that also meant that I wouldn't, no I _couldn't_ return anyone's kindness towards me.

A sunset on top of a roof, it' nothing more than seeing the Earth spinning to its sides while orbiting the Sun from the perspective from the Earth's surface. It's nothing more than a cycle that's been described beautifully by optimistic poets and glorified by authors only to emphasize any sort of scene.

"Are you sure do you aren't hurting? Hikigaya?" the voice belonging to Shizuka Hiratsuka provoked my thoughts and on the shallow outside had looked like it had confused me, but my thoughts were complete opposites. So I turned towards her with the face she had triggered.

"Huh? I don't have any major injuries, only a bruise from the fall on the hurdles." I responded back with a shallow analysis on her query, I knew what she was talking about – I just don't want to face it, _I don't __**want**__ any help!_ I thought to myself but consciously knew that I, instead of _want_, it is more of a **_need_** of someone – anyone, just anyone to talk to even if it's not real a conversation.

"Oh? Stop playing dumb, I know full well that you know what I mean." She paused gently "_Hikigaya_." She stated at first quite menacing which then turned very gentle whilst caressing my head with her warm arms to her chest.

Did you notice that it's harder to held back tears when someone else hugs you? If this was middle school, I would've cried with all of my soul here now. I'm in high school now, I've grown used to these feelings of pain, turmoil, confusion, frustration and _loneliness_. After all, loners that are forced to be one stay a loner.

"You mean how I know that it's not just some sort of accident?" I questioned. "That it was all planned out by everyone in my PE class? Like I've said countless times now, I. DON'T. CARE. about other people's opinions of me." I concluded coldly but she held me tighter on her caring embrace.

"I mean that you shouldn't put all of the burden on yourself!" she suggested. At this point I'm on the verge of collapsing – I was tired and didn't eat because my lunch was ruined when I went back to the classroom. "No matter what you do, you will face sadness for the rest of your life but rest assured because there will be someone there in your darkest times… so you are free to cry like the rest of us! After all you are still human, no matter how special you are."

I've always hidden my tears from everyone else so I no-one can see my through the walls that years I've spent building from my loneliness. So for this one time, I will show my true self. I will release all of my pain and suffering in a cry for desperation a plea for someone to talk to. I vented all of my frustration in one long and painful cry with seemingly endless amount of tears that I never knew I had, no doubt everyone that was still in the school had heard my pathetic desperation – my real self.

"You don't have to carry that burden anymore by yourself." The woman gently stroking my hair and embracing me in a hug whispered softly by my ears. "You've already done enough for everyone, let yourself rest already." She consoled me.

I still carried on, and on, and on with my disgusting howl as well as the tears I've shed. Until finally I collapsed on top of the wonderfully attractive and warm older woman who understood me – unconscious, exhausted and miserable. The last thing that was on mind who was the two figures that were hiding nervously behind the door to the stairs. At that point I didn't even care anymore that I've shown my weakness to at least 3 people, after all I needed a break from this heavy and painful everyday life I wished so much that I'd get a change in my burdened life.

* * *

The cheerful and energetic girl, Yui Yuigahama, was looking for someone. The girl was looking for the antisocial boy deemed horrible by many. Yui had a worried face with a slight pained sorrow.

"Don't worry Yuigahama-san, we'll find that creepy maniac eventually" the cynical, cool and dependable Yukino Yukinoshita encouraged.

"Don't you think that you're being harsh on him a bit?" the former questioned. "It is his birthday today and he at least gave me a present when it was my birthday…"she recalled back as they were headed towards the roof.

"Well, you do have a point Yuigahama-san, but…" the latter paused for a minute "he always –" Yukino never finished that sentence when they heard agonizingly painful cries from the roof filled with such sorrow that both they had never faced before.

And so they quickly went up the stairs to follow the sounds of wailing. Needless to say that they were shocked to see whose yelling it was – the always antagonizing, antisocial expert – Hachiman Hikigaya was howling with tears. They subconsciously knew who's wailing it was, but just didn't believe it. For it was too peculiar, alienating, thought-inducing, strange, disgusting to ever believe _he_ would do.

So why was it so heart-wrenching to them to see him is such manner? Why was it so much of a shock to them for him to act so… pained, disheartened and torn? Perhaps they thought it was too disgusting and or unreal to even think about. If that was it, what makes it so disheartening to see? Feelings of confusion, doubt, angst, worry, pain and regret filled their heads. Confused to why _he_ of all people would cry like this, doubted the reality of this situation, worried for their friend and or fellow club member, pained because they were seeing this side of him and regretted that they weren't the ones that were embracing the boy warmly instead of their teacher who hugged him looking very lovingly.

Shizuka seemed to have whispered something to the boy whose cries had rang throughout the school. The only thing the pair could make out of her whisper was something about "not carrying a burden by himself anymore" which made them feel even more regret on not understanding him more than they should've understood him. "Yuigahama-san I think we should leave now, it's not our place to be here and to bother both of them…" Yukino suggested wavering on her emotions from one to the other.

"Yeah… I think so too as you said it' – " the wailing stopped all of a sudden which froze both of the girls in the vicinity, they were now very anxious to why the cries had stopped – it was too disturbingly quiet when _his_ cries had stopped, it was even more disturbing than Hikigaya's cries. They quickly opened the door to see Shizuka caressing an unconscious Hachiman in an embrace.

"Hi-Hiratsuka-sensei? What was that all about?" Yui was first to speak up to the teacher.

"Ah… Yuigahama and Yukinoshita…" she trailed off. "Well what do you think happened?" she asked both of the girls.

"Hikigaya-kun confessed to you and you turned him down because you are a teacher and he is a student." Yukino started calmly. "And because of him getting rejected again he went into a frenzy howl that could be heard throughout the school, yes?"

"I pity him having to deal with this every single school day…" Shizuka said with a pained face. "Anyways, that's not what happened and it's honestly not my place to say what happened" she again had that look on her face.

"Ye-Yeah, for now why don't we carry Hikky to the infirmary, yes?" Yui suggested.

'"Yeah we need him to go to the infirmary quickly"' Yukinoshita and Shizuka responded in unison.

"Passing out after crying, what a pansy and disgusting" Yukino insulted by quickly regretted her harmful words.

"Yukinon..." the now sombre looking girl started "that's mean you know."

* * *

_I was in a fantastical setting, where I was walking on water which reflected the clear blue skies and the shining and shimmering, gorgeous sun. That was a first in a long time that I've appreciated the scenery around me._

_"Oi! Are you really that depressed?" a ghastly hollow voice called out to me "Really, I thought that the great Hachiman can take on everything. I guess you're more of a tragic hero than what people make you out to be!" the voice mockingly praised and insulted me which usually I would act like I'm angry but I felt seemingly at ease and I feel nothing from anything that the voice had said about me._

_"Who are you? And where are you?" I queried the voice again with no expression – no emotion._

_"Look behind you" the voice now sound a lot more masculine than before and I had the feeling that I've heard that voice before. I turned around to face the (I'm assuming a human or astral entity) only to find myself staring at a mirror-image of myself. "And I am you, Hachiman Hikigaya. You are also me."_

_"What?" I exploded uncharacteristically though I still felt no emotion._

_"I said __**I am you and you are me**__." My mirror image repeated coolly. "I am your other personality, your __**inner self**__ who've been watching your life idly."_

_"This doesn't make any sense…" I pondered deeply. "Why now would you appear, why didn't you take over when we were hurting?" I asked sombrely and with a pained face, it was then that I actually felt emotion in that __**"dream-world".**_

_"I didn't have the power to, I wanted to take over as well so we'd stop getting hurt but…" he as well had a pained face and a sombre speech pattern._

_I was thinking why he couldn't take over instead of me being cynical, villainous and antisocial. And then it hit me. "You couldn't because I was able to take all that pain to myself, right? And you're only here because you want to help me, right?" I figured out and asked my other self, feeling relieved that I figured out._

_"Not just you, but us as well!" he smiled at me – not one of those utterly disgusting and despicable smirks or grimaces, it was a genuine smile that I thought couldn't be able to make anymore. "Because don't forget we are the same person, just different personalities." I or me or my alternate reminded me._

_"Okay, okay. So what's going to happen now?" I inquired._

_"You're going to rest for a while until we need you again." My alternate responded nonchalantly but showed a gentle expression._

_"Yeah… Goodnight, me…" with that, I fell is a deep warm and comfortable sleep – perhaps the most comfortable rest I've ever in my entire life._

_"Have a nice rest Hachiman Hikigaya… And happy birthday…" was the last words I heard. Nice rest indeed._

* * *

In the infirmary was a teacher with long, brown hair with a white lab-coat looking uniform she was Hiratsuka Shizuka – our main character's homeroom teacher and advisor. There was also 2 other girls – one had long, black hair flowing down to her hips with deep, crystal blue eyes her name was Yukinoshita Yukino, Hachiman's club-mate who was initially cold to him. The latter girl had one pigtail to the side of her head, she had stunning, golden ginger hair and had reddish brown gems of eyes – her name was Yui Yuigahama who was Hachiman's club-mate and classmate.

"So Hiratsuka-sensei, what were you doing with Hikigaya-kun at the rooftop?" Yukino asked curiously.

"Um yeah sensei, what were you doing?" Yui inquired as well.

"I was consoling him, I'm sure you two had noticed his new odd behaviour." She started off and expanded on her explanation. "You know that he's been hurt right?" she asked the pair who had an unreadable face whether from confusion and shock or just the intrigued looking faces.

"What? Hikki was hurt? Where?" Yui looked concerned as she inquired futher.

"Calm down Yuigahama-san" Yukino tried to subdue her friend's panic. "Sensei, what do you mean by hurt? Is it the physical type or mental type?" Yukino inquired for an expansion on her teacher's description. "I'd be very surprised I it's the latter" she commented. That caused Shizuka to make a sombre yet serious face.

"You'd be so surprised…" her tone was so serious that it caused Yukino again to feel some guilt from her statement as well shock from her teacher's statement. "He's been hurt because someone played around with the hurdles in PE, he has a sprained ankle and some bruises because of the fall and what's more he knew all this" her statement was melancholic and serious.

"Hikki…" Yui said concerned for her friend's state. "That's horrible!" seconds after, she had blurted out in her frustration and some tears in her eyes.

Shocked, surprised, guilty, and sympathetic. These feelings kept on surging through Yukino as the conversation went on. She was in so much shock that she couldn't even join the conversation that her friend and teacher was having about her potential crush. To think that he was kept all of the pain to himself and never showed any of his weaknesses to anyone had confused her too much that she disconnected from reality to deeply ponder about it. "_To think that he was stronger than he actually let on… No, perhaps I was just a fool – unable to acknowledge his strength because of my ignorance… I'm despicable…"_ She thought and thought into a deep void of an epiphany.

"To be honest, I am shocked that I was the one who noticed this before the two of did. After all, you two are always around him."

"I didn't even notice his behaviour…"

"He built up higher walls whenever you two are around him, because I dunno, he doesn't want you two concerned about him."

"The more I think about, the sadder it gets…"

"I don't know how that feels like, maybe Yukinoshita knows how that feels a bit." Shizuka suggested. "Hey Yukinoshita! Are you listening?"

As Shizuka kept on trying to get Yukino's attention, she was going deeper and deeper void focused solely on her thoughts.

"Yukinon!" Yui shouted at her friend.

"What is it Yuigahama-san?" Yukino quickly regained her composure.

"You were out for a bit in your own little world that it seemed that you forgot about us."

"Sorry Yuigahama-san, Hiratsuka-sensei…" she apologized sincerely. "I was just – ".

"Thinking about Hikigaya, right?" Shizuka slyly said at Yukino.

The conversation went on for about 5 more minutes about Shizuka teasing the girls that they like our cynical main character and the fact that one was more in denial than the other, when finally Hachiman had started to wake up from it seemed to be like an endless rest. All of the girls stopped their conversation and turned towards him with welcoming and concerned looks.

"What's with those looks? All of you look like kids who've done something naughty." Hachiman joked around to lighten the mood, though no one at that moment that it was not the same Hachiman who they have been talking to. It was a different Hachiman who had a less cynical personality but nonetheless still have the will to keep on helping people. The only difference this time is that it is an alternate way of doing things, the way that the original wanted to help people – the way of helping people without doing something that they might potentially make the people he helped hate him.

The three women had even more shocked faces when he had said that, and even more so for Yukino. They were all boggled in their minds on how he can keep on pretending like things had not happened in fact I couldn't say that they weren't envious on how strong willed he was. Yukino's reason for not socializing with people seemed like it was a wimp's excuse compared to Hikigaya's will to not just escape from it.

"How… How are you so strong after everything that's happened to you?" Yukino asked and her tone progressively started to become more volatile. "Why are you strong?! Why?! Why? Why…" tears gradually began to drop from her eyes as she started to cry.

"Yukinon…"

"Isn't obvious? It's because someone has to carry on this heavily pressured weight, right?" he pointed out at his schoolmate and warmly smiled at her as if his eyes, which looked of dead fish before, began to shimmer and glitter with light. She was even more shocked at his transformation for it was then that the three women realized that the young man whom they were talking to wasn't the same person that they all knew before. And because they have noticed, they will have the burden to not be able to talk to other people about this…

And they still have not done what they had wanted to do at the start – to celebrate his birthday…

**A/N: How's that for a one-shot? Thanks for reading and I might do a continuation if I ever have the time to! Honestly it took me longer than I'd expected to write this! And the fans of "The day my heart stopped beating" do not be concerned, for have made the 3****rd**** Chapter and I will be posting it soon! **

**Peace! By Mizu Ryujin**


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